Self-soothing skills to cope with difficult emotions - part 2

When we find ourselves hijacked by large emotions, it can feel there’s no way out. But just because we’ve been hijacked, doesn’t mean we can’t find our way back to groundedness.

The following self-soothing skills are different ways to help us cope with times of stress, anxiety, emotional flooding, or feeling triggered.

Some skills help us do this by bringing us back to the present moment; some bring us back to our bodies; and some help remind us we’re safe by pulling us out of our amygdalas (brain’s fear center) and into our prefrontal cortexes (the area of our brain that is associated with logic, analysis, and skillful verbal articulation).

Each of our nervous systems are different, so some skills will work better for us than others. I encourage you to experiment to identify what works for you!

With words.

• Noticing, Naming, and Acknowledging emotions.
  Research shows that naming our emotions can reduce their intensity, helping strong feelings to relax and soften.
  Practice noticing emotions as though they are passing clouds, roommates, or house guests, identifying the emotions as they arise. Simply acknowledge the emotion is present, such as: “Oh, hello, anxiety. It’s you again. I see you there.”

• Thank your emotions.
  Emotions show up because they’re trying to do something useful for us in some way, even if we disagree with the message they’re trying to communicate or how they’re impacting our lives. Emotions are a lot like people — they want to be seen, heard, valued, and appreciated.
  Practicing the above skill, we can build on it by adding an acknowledgement of the effort our emotions are trying to put into helping us.
  One example is: “Hello there anger. Thanks for showing up and trying to protect me. I appreciate that.”

• Reassuring your emotions that you’ve got this.

  Many times, our emotions hijack us and take over because they’re afraid we won’t be able to survive a situation fully on our own. Our emotions need to learn to trust us again, and learn that we won’t abandon them in tough situations.
  For this practice, similarly to the above skill, we help our strong emotions loosen their grip by reassuring them that we’re competent, equipped to take care of ourselves, and fully in charge of our health and safety.
  An example could be: “Thanks for letting me know how you feel, nervousness. I promise that I’m an adult now and I can handle this situation. I’m able to protect us and make sure we’re safe. You don’t have to work so hard to defend us.”

• Self-compassion mantra.

  Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on the transformative power and importance of self-compassion shows that offering ourselves some moments of grace and understanding can dramatically shift our experiences of a painful situation.
  There are many ways to offer ourselves this type of kindness and support. One way is to place a heart on your hand or belly (or one on each) and slowly repeat the following words to yourself:
  “Yes, I recognize this is a moment of suffering.
  I am not alone; all beings suffer.
  May I offer myself the patience (or compassion, kindness, grace) I need in this moment.”

• More self-compassion resources:
  For even more opportunities and ideas about how to incorporate self-compassion into your self-soothing library, explore the evidence-based exercises that Dr. Neff has compiled on her website.

Cognitive and Sensory skills

• Counting.
  Count backwards from 100, by intervals of 3 or 7.
  This activity helps soothe the nervous system by moving us from a focus on the fear center of our brain (amygdala) to a more balanced, even headspace by switching us into connection with our prefrontal cortex.

• Identifying items by color.
  Pick a color. Look around you and count the number of objects that include this color. Or, alternatively, simply say the name of the item out loud.
  For example: “I’m looking for the color pink. I see pink in the rug; in my desk lampshade, on the toes of my socks, and in the corner of that painting on my wall.”

• Observing and describing.
  Pick an item in the room around you. Focus on it. Describe it — out loud — with detailed precision. Act as though you are a scientist observing measurable, objective facts about the object. Describe its shape, size, colors, shading, and any other specific visual details. Be careful to focus on what’s objective! For this activity, we are not including subjective adjectives or preferences such as “pretty” or “weird.”

• 5 Senses
  This activity is similar to the one above, with a twist. While the previous exercise focused exclusively on using one’s visual senses, this involves all five senses.
  Pick an item that is easily accessible to you — and that is safe to engage with using all your senses. Pick up the item. As you hold it, try to observe and describe out loud the following:

  • Visuals: What shape, size, color, etc. is this object?

  • Smells: (if safe) Does this item have a detectable aroma? If so, what descriptive adjectives or nouns would help you describe this to someone who’s never interacted with a similar object before?

  • Sounds: Does this item make a noise? What about if you scratch, rub, or shake it? What sounds does it make?

  • Touch: What texture does this object have? Is it smooth, rough, fluffy, spiky, or mushy?

  • Taste: (if safe) What does this object taste like? Or, alternatively, what tastes already exist in your mouth? Are there any lingering remains from your previous meal or beverage? What flavors come through?
    If you need access to additional sensory detail adjectives to help you complete this exercise, you can find a fairly comprehensive list here.